I’m not OK, you’re not OK

This is a representation of the world from an ‘I’m not OK, you’re not OK’ perspective

When we're looking at the world from an 'I'm not OK, you're not OK' position, we are in despair. Whilst we might understand in an abstract way that life has value, we're unable to feel the value of our basic humanity and, consequently, we're unable to feel the value of life. We do not view ourselves or others with kindness or compassion. Such is our lack of self esteem and self worth that it might not even occur to us that we're missing these things, nor that we deserve them. In turn, this desolate view of ourselves informs our view of others.

When we see the world from this position, life is a dark and painful place to exist. We look around us and believe that we don't belong, that we don't fit in. Often the situations we find ourselves in are so distressing and all-consuming, we're unable to look outside of ourselves because we have so little capacity left. Consequently, we're not particularly interested in what's happening with other people and the world at large. We're unable to recognise the interconnectedness of life, because we're so lost in our own struggles. We feel alone and believe that no-one has our back. 

 When we see the world from an 'I'm not OK, you're not OK' perspective, we may be aware of being vulnerable, but we cannot tolerate it; we're likely to see vulnerability as a weakness which we despise in ourselves and others. As we're unable to value ourselves and others, we don't see the value of the differences between us; difference is perceived as a threat, rather than an opportunity to make new understandings, or try different things. 

When we see the world from an 'I'm not OK, you're not OK' perspective, life is full of fear and difficulty.  At times, we're likely to treat ourselves and others unfairly and unkindly. Indeed, it's very difficult for us to behave in an 'OK' way. Our perception is so tainted that we see everything in shades of grey, seeing predominantly the negative in every situation. Rather than life being full of opportunities and possibilities, challenges to find a way around, life seems harsh and futile, with many obstacles blocking our way. It feels as though heavy grey clouds hang constantly over our heads as we lurch from one crisis to the next. Lost in our narratives of the injustice of our lives, we believe no-one is 'on our side', that no-one will help us; we believe that everything and everyone is against us. We believe that nobody really understands us and that nobody cares about us. We feel alone and isolated, believing that everyone is out for themselves.

We don't live in the present moment and so are often unable to behave spontaneously. Our predominant thinking and the stories we tell ourselves have themes of desolation and futility. Worn down by our thinking, our beliefs and experiences of life, we have little to no resilience and will often struggle to engage with day-to-day life. Indeed, we are detached from life and are unlikely to engage with most things; life is something which is going on around us, involving other people, not us. 

We have little to no self esteem and our painful thoughts and feelings become the reality we project onto others and the world around us. Consequently, we're likely to have real difficulties with behaviour and we're likely to behave in ways which are unhealthy and harmful. Often, it doesn't occur to us that our behaviour is harming us, nor that it has an impact on others; when it does, we don't care, believing that it's somebody else's fault anyway. We might condemn other people for their behaviour, and because we don't recognise people's value, we're unable to understand that sometimes people behave in ways which are unacceptable and that they still have value as human beings.

Because our ground is so unstable, we have difficulty with healthy boundaries. We draw people to us with similarly unhealthy patterns, people who will confirm our view of the world and ourselves, enabling us to stay stuck in this position. We don't trust people and we don't expect loyalty; we expect to be let down. We don't believe we are worthy or deserving of love and kindness, so we don't court relationships or friendships that will give us this. We tend not to reach out to others, not seeking support from others, and consequently people often don't approach us. We believe other people are out for themselves, or are do-gooders, who are out of touch with reality. We believe we're on our own and that no-one has our backs. This can become a self-fulfilling prophecy which further reinforces our belief that we're 'not OK' and nor are other people. When we do engage with others, we might unknowingly court negative attention, in order to reinforce the belief that we're 'not OK'. Our friendships and relationships will, therefore, tend to be precarious and are often short-lived. They're based on getting needs met, rather than being supportive and nurturing, leaving us feeling lonely and isolated. 

When good things do happen to us, we're unable to really experience the good feelings; feelings such as hope and happiness don't really touch us. Our ability to feel compassion for others is limited, because we don't have compassion for ourselves. Our experience is so difficult that we feel little empathy for others. Warm feelings don't fit with our expectations of life, and we wait for the sting in the tail. Again, like a self fulfilling prophecy, this will inevitably come.

When we see the world from an 'I'm not OK, you're not OK' perspective, it can be very difficult to behave in an 'OK' way. We're likely to have many interactions which play out in this way; we come away feeling 'not OK' and we treat other people as though they are also 'not OK'. It might be that we have limited power to change our circumstances and we certainly perceive our life this way; we're unable to see solutions and we believe we're unable to solve problems; we feel helpless and powerless. Minor difficulties can feel like insurmountable problems. We become the victims of our own stories, unable to step out of the negative stories our minds create. We don't believe in ourselves, in our ability to create the lives we want; we withdraw from other people and from life. It's likely that we don't even try to solve problems. 

The descriptions on this website are words taken from a collection of books I’m writing.