‘I’m not OK, you’re OK’

This is a representation of the world from an ‘I’m not OK, you’re OK’ perspective

When we look at the world from an 'I'm not OK, you're OK' perspective, we believe that we're not equal to everyone else; we feel inferior to others. We may have, or perceive ourselves as having, less power than others to influence the world around us. We're likely to believe that we don't fit in and we might believe that there's something fundamentally wrong with us. It seems as though there's a cloud of worry constantly hanging over us; life feels like an uphill struggle. Everything is tinged with grey, tainted by our thoughts and feelings. It can feel like the world is against us and that we are on our own. It seems that everyone is getting on with life, that they're happy, enjoying themselves and succeeding, where we are not. It can feel as though life is something which is happening around us, whilst we are on the periphery; we are powerless, doomed to failure, destined never to succeed.

We don't see ourselves as being worthwhile, believing ourselves to be less important than others, not as intelligent/attractive/successful (whatever lack it is we choose to ascribe to ourselves). Our behaviour is driven by the need to secure these unstable foundations and it can be difficult to behave in an 'OK' way. We look outside of ourselves, because if we can be accepted and loved by someone else, we believe this might fill some of the gaps within us. However, in order to really feel 'OK', the love and acceptance we seek has to come from within. Looking outside of ourselves, basing our value on how others perceive us, only serves to create further turmoil.

This is a place where we don't have good self esteem, and we aren't particularly resilient or robust. We don't have much compassion or acceptance for ourselves and consequently, we have less capacity to feel this for others.

When we see the world from an 'I'm not OK, you're OK' perspective, we might perceive ourselves to be unsafe. Indeed, we might actually be unsafe. We might be physically unwell. Our levels of stress can seem too high and we can easily feel overwhelmed, as though the slightest thing could knock us down. We might feel numb and disconnected, cut off from more positive feelings like compassion, joy and kindness, and unable to value things in the same way we do when we feel 'OK'. We'll have a set of familiar feelings which we experience, such as sadness, anger, being helpless and inadequate. We talk to ourselves harshly, telling ourselves that we're a failure, we should do better etc. We don't have a nurturing inner dialogue and our critical self-talk brings us down further. It's likely that we'll be unable to offer ourselves much kindness and this often spills out into the world, where we may not be particularly kind to others either. Of course, we then use our behaviour as something else to berate ourselves for. Our thoughts and the stories we tell ourselves will have themes such as not being of value, not belonging, not being good enough. Our minds filter reality so that we notice things that feed these themes and we don't see evidence that's contrary to these beliefs. We can be so caught up in our internal experience that we can have real difficulty being present.

When we feel 'not OK', we're on unstable ground, even on the calmest of days. We hurt ourselves with our thoughts, and our behaviour is often driven by the same themes of inadequacy and lack. We may have difficulty trusting others; our friendships and relationships may not be deep, or long-lasting, because the value we place on ourselves equates to how much we can value others. We push away our vulnerability and hide other aspects of ourselves, believing that if people really knew who we were, they wouldn't want to know us. We can be so caught up in our thoughts and feelings of being 'not OK', that the stories we tell ourselves create clouds of worry and anxiety which consume us. 

 We might have been taught, or have learnt to ignore the feelings in our body, distracting ourselves with other things in life. We're less able to be spontaneous and often look at new things with speculation and doubt. We tell ourselves that these new things aren't for us, so we're less likely to venture outside our comfort zone to try them. When we do venture out into the world and try something new, we're unable to acknowledge our courage, or our success even in trying. Our self esteem can be so low that we're unable to truly recognise our efforts. When we do get to our goal, our mind works in such a way that we no longer see the goal as something worth achieving; we re-frame it, to downplay what we have accomplished. What might once have been a great achievement now becomes massively downgraded, or even worthless, simply because we have achieved it; the belief is that if we have succeeded, then it can't actually be of much value. We're unable to stop and celebrate our successes and we don't feel pride in our achievements. 

 We are not at peace. We cannot rest, because we believe we have so much catching up to do; we believe we have to work harder, get better, be better, to be as good as everyone else. We don't take good care of ourselves and are likely to behave in ways which don't support us. Indeed, our lack of compassion for ourselves means we often don't recognise what we might need to support ourselves. 

When we see the world from an 'I'm not OK, you're OK' perspective, it can be difficult to behave in an 'OK' way. We're likely to have many interactions which play out in this way; we come away feeling 'not OK', whilst we perceive other people as being 'OK'. Problems can seem insurmountable. Sometimes we are powerless to influence our circumstances and solve problems. However, we may also believe that we don't have the ability or capacity to solve problems, nor that there are solutions to be found. Just as we get past one problem, another is thrown onto our path; we might wonder 'why do bad things always happen to me?'  It might not occur to us to ask for help, believing no-one would really want to help us anyway.  It’s likely that we will look to others to solve our problems.

The descriptions on this website are taken from a collection of books I’m writing.